Zen Girl

Centering into the journey.

To those who are going insane.

Two months ago, I began my revolution of mind.   In response to my story, especially by those on Highexistence.com, it’s been made obvious that A LOT of people are going through the same thing.  Others are just cracking the surface of curiosity. What does it mean to have a revolution of mind and how will it change your life? I thought I’d share the process as it’s been for me, from the beginning on through. I can’t say until the end, because there won’t be one—this will be an ongoing revolution for the rest of this lifetime and lifetimes to come. The following is what the ‘beginning’ was like for me, and what it is still like. Perhaps some of it will sound familiar, and urge you to feel free to ask even more questions, dig deeper. How far will you go? Well that’s just it isn’t it…once you start, there really is no going back. You know that, don’t you?

First, it’s the restlessness. The nagging. The questions always come back. Why god? Why religion, and the pursuit of money and success to be happy? Why society? Why country borders? Why hate, crime, starvation, war? These things make no sense to you. School makes no sense.  God, institution, money, the idea of “freedom” by striving for the American dream, ignorance, racism, career, fear of drugs, fear of change, closed minds, etc..These things do not make sense to you. In fact, they are inherently bad and empty. They feel dark to your soul, to your very core. You know these things are not right, you know that they go against the true essence of the universe. You know they were not traits handed down by god, a vengeful god that had to succumb to his human-like emotions (what?!) You know that god would be much more powerful than this. You know there would be much more to god’s mind than desire for worshiping followers. You know god, in the traditional sense, is a manmade invention and that we lost ourselves to long ago. You also know we are all very, very connected. The idea of individual souls for every person who ever lived is absurd, and you cannot accept it. You also cannot accept that we, all of this, were an accident. That is almost as absurd as the idea of god, in fact. You know in your heart that you can be a truly good person without the idea of god.

Then comes the time when you try to figure out these things for yourself. You use what you know to think about possible answers to questions. You go round and round because there is nothing new to work with, and if the answers hid within what you knew, you would have been able to arrive at them easily. So you research. Maybe just look up a few things about religions you don’t know about. Maybe even some philosophy. Add in a little (or a lot) of science.  This only digs deeper wholes, bigger questions. Each question you had is multiplied into 5 more. So you read books, learn more, eventually it leads you to other paths and subjects, some of which you never dreamed you’d be interested in learning; philosophy, metaphysics, quantum physics. Every subject that could possible be used to describe the world, you’ve looked into.

Then somewhere along the line you get curious about the very tool you are using to find the answers. Your mind. How does it work? How much of a part is it playing a part in your reality? How is consciousness related to everything? This takes you into newer realms, more ideas, undiscovered subjects, some of which you’ve never even heard of. You start to understand the basic fundamental structure of ideas surrounding the mind and consciousness. These things make sense, somehow. In fact, they seem very real. FEEL very true. You’re not sure how, but you feel that many of the things you have read tie together in some way. Throughout this time you are having small epiphanies about certain things in life, but these realizations only make the bigger questions more frequent.

These new ideas swirl around with your old perceptions and you think you are going a bit crazy. Actually, you feel INSANE, OBSESSED with the answers. You fear you may end up a recluse, sitting in your room for days without eating, just thinking, wondering what the answers are. But, as your knowledge trek continues, and ideas are bounced off you by others, you find people who are on the search as well, or who already have some answers.  Perhaps you try something new like meditation or you witness something you can’t explain or feel something you can’t explain but know is right. And soon…you have a breakthrough! And another! And another! The layers float down like feathers, each perfectly on top of the last, to form a perpetual answer that keeps building upon itself. You evaluate yourself/your personality and actions, how you react to others, how you react to problems, your past and the things you have inflicted on yourself without cause. You see the difference between a feeling of truth in your soul, and your outward mind; occupied with attachment; a person, thing, job, idea. A tv show is being played in our eyes, but it’s not reality, and we slowly begin to pull away from the show. We meditate more, read more, learn and discuss more. Why do you think meditation works? Clear your mind of all the bullshit and all you have left is the truth.

There is a nothing from which you, I, all of this beauty comes from.  Everything we know, and have ever loved, the very ideas we cling to, come from this nothing. Letting go is scary. You find a new difficulty in dealing with hate, apathy, indifference, laziness, complaining, egos’, addictions to power and money. You start to identify addictions more and see them as such even if you felt that exact way a very short time ago. Things can get lonely. You don’t really feel comfortable bringing these subjects up with those around you. You look for other outlets, other minds as curious as your own because you don’t understand why everyone isn’t asking why. You find others, probably on the internet, who resonate with you. Who say YES YES! To your ideas, who are going through/went through the same confusions and revelations. It’s not like finding god…not one bit. It’s finding yourself. It’s finding god in yourself; where god was all along. Problems of daily life often now seem more insignificant. You hear the despair of others due to relationships, petty differences with co-workers, let downs, etc. and you think-wake up!- you are not living-why are you worried about such things? But then again, that was just you. You love them, and you fully understand.  And there are remnants. Lots. You fall back, time and again. But it becomes less frequent each time, the lesson greater understood and the despair shorter and shorter lived, until you find yourself unattached to the circumstances of life and ride with the waves of the universe, rather than swimming into them. But what happens when you let go? You love. There are no reasons left not to.


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6 thoughts on “To those who are going insane.

  1. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. Jiddu Krishnamurti

  2. This is bizarre that I came across this. The title just grabbed me an pulled me into this story. I am going insane. Ever since I started college this time last year, I have been going through a sort of mental transformation. This is so very inspiring. I hope one day I can come to this realization that you are going through. I feel so confined though. Almost trapped in society; bred to think one way, and one way only. I wish I could somehow identify what is holding me back, and break free from these chains of muted consciousness.

  3. Collectively, I don’t think we will ever find the balance. I think certain cliche’s work well in this case, life is most definitely a journey and not a destination. I have this slightly crazy idea that there are only two emotions and feelings that drive people, love and fear. Those to go on their journey motivated by fear are the ones who cling onto a certain dogmas. Those who are purely motivated by love find a meaning in everything they do.

    I kind of want to tie what you wrote here with what you wrote about careers in your previous post. I think fear is what leads people into taking that job they never really had a passion for, it’s the reason husbands become jealous of their wife, its the reason people spend money on health and car insurance. Love on the other hand guides us to what we are passionate about. By no means do I believe the two are absolute. A little fear can save our lives.

    This insane search you have for what the answers are is you letting go of the fear. Maybe its time to replace that with a little love.

    P.S. I think im in the same spot as you, minus the fact that I haven’t completely let go of all my fears.

  4. Thank you for this post Renee. What you’ve described is almost exactly what I’ve been through too. I’m at a stage now where even my friends are starting to go through it. Just yesterday a group of us were having a conversation about life and afterwards I asked one of them whether he enjoyed the conversation. He said he did and he didn’t, he said everything we talked about seemed to contradict what his upbringing told him and he wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or not. I think he will go further now to discover truth. 🙂

  5. Thank you for your comments! I completely agree that most things we do can be traced back to feelings of love or fear. Anger comes from fear of something not agreeing with the way we believe reality should be going. It seems, from how many comments I am getting from college-aged kids, that this push into college and career is only fueling the fire to look for another way of living. It’s about time! College did nothing for my life, meant absolutely nothing important to me. I seems as though many of you are feeling the same way.

    It’s hard to let go of the things we have been ingrained with. For instance, many of you or your friends have a hard time struggling with the ideology of your upbringing. I was not pushed to believe one way or another, and that has been an immense help in my waking up. However, I grew up with a lot of yelling, fighting, and pain. This came out in my adult life, I seemed to expect fighting and anger, and I would ALWAYS produce these emotions in my personal relationships, even where they did not exist. I created something out of nothing. Just the same as we can create peace of mind and happiness and love within ourselves. It’s always there, we just have to get past the blockades, the years and years of whatever crazy ideas have been in our minds. Anyways, I feel like I’m babbling! 😀

    Thanks, I love you all.

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