A bit of freewriting to get my brain flowing.
Free writing because I have nothing to write about. I’m struggling with this new world. I see the beauty that can be, I see that the universe can carry me along perfectly and effortlessly if I do not struggle with what is, but I am having a hard time allowing it. It’s so hard to give up control. We think we are born with the right to control our own lives, and the environment around us. We put labels and names on everything to convey what something is, but the problem is that the word or label could mean something different to everyone. What if I don’t know a goddamn thing? Well I don’t. I already know that. But it’s fun to search, to find things out. There has to be something to this whole meditation/clearing the mind thing. Why would it feel so good to clear our minds, so peaceful, so spiritual, if having thoughts were a good thing? Not that having thoughts is a bad thing. We need to form thoughts and opinions on things, to learn and grow and understand. It’s not the thoughts that are bad. It’s our thoughts about our thoughts, and the emotions we attach to each thought. If we give a thought an emotion, instead of just let it be a thought, we run the risk of becoming attached to the emotion that we have given the thought. We are so lost in our own minds. The more lost, the more caught up we are with our own past and future, the less we can see others, really see them. See them from a non-judgmental standpoint; see them for what they truly are and what they are really saying. If we can come at a situation from a clear mind, we will only see truth. Our own thoughts obscure truth. We have used thinking to get us far in the world, in society, and as a species. But what is it doing for us now? Perhaps now is the time to turn to a more universal truth, a more real quest for knowledge. Our thoughts can affect everything. There could be something bothering us, nagging us. Though we may say, I am putting it in the back of my mind to worry about later, it’s still in our mind, and it is infecting every word we say, every way we look at another person and situation and everything around us is based on the way our mind feels with this THING tugging on the back of it. Nothing is coming from truth, from realness, because some imaginary notion is keeping a tint over our eyes.
I have nothing to saaaaaaaay. And so much to say. It’s weird that we constantly need verification from others, especially because the only time we feel truly content with ourselves is when we are “verified” by ourselves. The love of everyone on the planet would never compare to the feeling of loving ourselves. We should strive to be completely comfortable with our bodies and minds before striving to fully love someone else. If not, this cannot happen, and will never work, because from even the smallest of insecurities will form a blockade in our relationships and come out as worry or anger or resentment or jealousy.
I have always been completely monogamous, but with my new view of life, I am having a hard time justifying monogamy. It doesn’t seem natural in any way. I myself am monogamous because when I am with someone, I have full-on blinders on. This takes away my interest in others completely, when I am happy in a relationship. But is this a healthy thing, or an attachment thing? I feel like if I unconditionally love the other person with no attachment (which is how it should be) then it shouldn’t matter if I or the other person slept with or loved another. We don’t own anyone, and it’s never promised that the relationship will continue anyways. To put a rule on the relationship that neither party can be interested in other parties seems stifling to a life. Maybe both parties should practice clear, exceptional honesty and respect—from the get go expressing intentions, likes, dislikes, and such. And if/when it so happens one party or another wants to pursue someone else, this should be clearly communicated with no judgment from the other party unless harmful behavior is some sort of worry. I hope I can get to this point, as it makes so much more sense to me than finding one person for life and not allowing that person to LIVE. The reason we go into this commitment and marriage thing seems to be a way to bind the other person to us, because we are insecure within ourselves—which is where fully loving ourselves first comes into play. If you completely unconditionally love yourself, it seems unlikely you would have any reason to put a bind on another person, not allowing them to love anyone else. What is the point of keeping someone else from getting to know someone they could possibly love or be interested in? This is in no way beneficial to the other person. It’s beneficial to us, our egos and what we believe should be rightfully ours.
If someone breaks up with us, we should be thankful. They are giving us freedom, another chance to see our mistakes and learn from them, and allowing us to find others who can love us more completely than they can. It gives us the opportunity to break a cycle. Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship that has a problem? The desire to stay in a relationship that is not working is completely due to attachment. We are attached to the idea of them- of “us” the relationship itself. It changes our world when someone we are used to is no longer in our lives, but LOTS of things do this. That is what life is—change. We should accept it with gratitude and realize that we are fully capable of making things better, especially when we are no longer bound by another person who isn’t completely right for us anyways. And in most cases-it allows an opening for someone much more wonderful to come along.
We put the barriers up; we get the rules going because we are afraid to get hurt. We think-well if they aren’t ALLOWED to love others, then everything will be okay. But this just makes things worse when the other party is interested in someone. Then comes in the lies, the fighting, and all of the strains on the relationship that will – in the end- end it. Just because there is a spoken agreement to belong to the other person only, this cannot stop the universe; and the other person is a part of that universe. Love with truth and honesty—and give that love to yourself first.
Time to start listening to my own words.