Wanted: Brain Wrangler
I am absurdly lucky, and I love my life. I have amazing friends, live close to the ocean in an abundance of sunshine, and rarely do I feel bored. I work daily to improve myself, and have a fulfilling spiritual life. I meditate, learn, and grow every day. I play a lot. I’m working toward certain goals and have a solid grasp on my morals and ideals. I accept the unknown, and look positively at change. But there is still a nagging feeling. It’s always been around, I can’t get rid of it. It’s like some kind of annoying friend you can’t figure out how to properly dispose of. It’s the feeling of restlessness.
I’ve tried to analyze this feeling, tried to squish it, form it into a thing I can recognize, a thing I can define and deal with. I’m all about accepting certain feelings and emotions and moving on, but this one has been around for my entire life. It’s not overly negative, though it often contributes to frustration. Sometimes it causes me extreme confusion. I feel sections of my brain being pulled apart in different directions, and I can’t seem to make sense of the scramble. When this feeling gets bad enough, I’ll get overly indecisive (which I am not), to the point where I will have many things I could potentially be working on, but instead I wander around the house or sit in a state of confusion, trying to make up my mind. When it’s at its worst, I can barely think.
No options sound like the right one. There is nothing I want to do, but at the same time don’t want to do just nothing. It’s kind of like, there is one particular thing I should be doing at that moment but I can’t find it. And sometimes I will hone in on one thing and I end up feeling like I’m neglecting some other part of my life, or some other project. I quit jobs, move around, and change up what I am doing often. Countless times, I will start a project with solid intentions to finish it. THIS TIME I WILL. I WILLLLL.
And then I don’t. I would say I usually get about 70% of the way in. Maybe I am too stuck on the original idea, and of course nothing comes out exactly like the original idea.
Maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m in fact an 8-week old kitten and can’t do anything for longer than 3 seconds.
I can confidently assert that I am MOST interested in writing, but even this causes confusion. Which part do I focus on? Should I do journaly type writing like this? Do I write about my favorite subjects like mind, consciousness, the universe? Should I practice my article-writing skills so I can build my portfolio, in an attempt to break myself out of the job cycle and do something I love from anywhere in the world?
I get very ahead of myself often. I think, Oh I want to try that! I want to learn about that! I want to read about/write about/draw/talk about that! I start many, many art projects, writings, and ideas, most of which are shunned to the corner of my mind until I can get back to them… which is never. Perhaps all of those sad, lonely, unfinished ideas are starting to talk over there in the corner, getting angry, formulating a riot, like they have the right to be finished. HOW DARE THEY!
I’m going to try four things:
1. Meditate when the feeling gets overly frustrating.
2. Go back and pick up a couple of my unfinished art projects until they are complete. My main concern: Is this really beneficial if I’m forcing myself into it, when I would rather be doing something else?
3. Pick one subject that relates to my goals and learn the shit out of it, until there is nothing left to learn except that which experience will bring.
4. Remove myself from life for a bit. I’m going camping for 3 days this weekend. Fingers crossed that the trees will lend me their wisdom.
I’ll do a blog in the future on how these things helped! Comments are more than welcome.