Spare Time For Change?
I really like mornings. It’s a clean slate for all, the earth, the plants, the people. Newly awakened. Everything is changed. The past is farther away, every passing moment being thrown into its pile. Yesterday is meaningless, and today will change tomorrow’s world forever.
I’ve had this hard-to-explain feeling that never lasts long but it has been more frequent lately. Sometimes it makes me have a mini breakdown. I feel like I’m going crazy. Sometimes I shut down and I can’t do anything. The feeling freezes me and it usually comes out of nowhere, even when I’m in the greatest mood. I think what’s most frustrating is my frequent inability to describe the feeling. It seems to have three different parts, kind of like this:
1.) I am being pulled in uncountable different directions. I feel the connection, the Source of it all, I am everyone, everyone is me, I see the unconditional love, I feel alive, energetic and positive. I feel my ego slipping away, and it’s quite wonderful. But this world doesn’t make sense to me. The forces of society pull on our minds. I see the misery, in the endless procession of a system that doesn’t work.
2.) I’ve got this nagging idea that I need to figure myself out, that I need to find that one thing I can be defined by. That one thing. ONE THING. That term haunts me. I know a few who have found that one thing that makes them feel whole, that encompasses their entire being on a daily basis. They put nearly all of their energy, thoughts, and attention into it. I often feel the urge to find that one thing. I feel an imaginary force pushing me toward something I don’t even know if I really want. It’s like a shitty drug. I seem to want and grasp for it but I’m not even sure I enjoy it that much. Am I supposed to feel that those who have an obsession have won the game of life and I am incomplete? There is no one ultimate passion in my life. There are things I love to do, and things I love to do more than any other things. But often I still don’t want to do them. Sometimes I don’t want to do anything at all, I just want to be. But I can’t just be. I have to do do DO.
3.) A quick, strong and fleeting overwhelmed feeling washes over me when I feel like this. I am blessed with the ability to find the beauty in the every day, the positivity in the moment, in just being alive. But there is a disconnect. I love my life and friends, but I want to move away. I like my job but I want to quit. I love the bustle of the city but I want to retreat into the desert and be alone with the quiet.
This writing was started earlier today. And now, after days of consideration and meditating, I’ve begun to have some conclusions. I don’t like the idea of being identified or defined by that one thing. It ties me down, puts me in a box. Perhaps some or all of the uneasy feeling I get is coming from the disconnect of my true self and ideas about what we need to be happy and fulfilled. I feel pulled between feeling abhorred by the idea of that one thing, and being under the impression that those who do not find that one thing will be empty and unhappy.
This is quite the confusing state to be in! Something to be passionate about? I just want to be passionate. About life itself. I just want to BE. I don’t want to be describable in one sentence, or after one meeting. If anyone wants to know all of what I’m about, they’re going to have to put in the time to know me, not the labels. Why would I want to identify most with something that is outside of myself? It isn’t a subject or a hobby or a career. It’s me, those I love, the universe, life.
I’ve searched all this time to find out what that one thing might be, because I’ve been told I may be unhappy without it. I’d rather be a dabbler. I enjoy switching parts of my life from one thing to the next. I’d like to just be me, and experience all of the things I love in any small or large amounts of time that I please. I don’t wish to be consumed by or obsessed with anything at all, as this only pulls me away from pure experience and unclouded thought.
I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate change. When daily life is unexpectedly flipped upside down, I am in heaven. Sometimes I have to ignore sour looks when I fail at pretending like I’m not having tons of fun in the face of catastrophe. I’ve always loved snow days, fire drills, trips gone over-the-top wrong, power-outages, huge life changes like switching cities, jobs and hobbies, and minor changes like style, hair and body art. I relish the positive outcomes of unforeseen change. I love the waves of life, how often things can tilt. This is how we learn to step through the world without knocking too many things over and hurting ourselves. Well, we will still knock things over, but we’ll be tough enough to take it.
I can be anything, I can be loud and quiet, here and there, alone and loved. Change challenges us, improves us. Without change, we would become stagnant. Change is beautiful, it is life, and it is me. That is something I can be identified with. I might be a few different people today. Most of all, I am change, the tides, the seasons.
There is no key to finding yourself. You are not pre-written; therefore, you cannot be searched for or found. You just are. Be what you wish. Take your amazing energy (your self, your inner-being) and mold it into whatever you wish. Be what you most feel like you are, right now. I am change. I am the ocean, and it’s time for me to embrace the waves.
*My hope is that writing posts that share the benefits I’ve experienced from meditation and concentrated self-improvement will inspire others to take an honest look at themselves. This is your life, there are no excuses to not be actively fine-tuning your mind, body and soul.*