Reading and meditation are great methods to connect deeper with oneself. Learning doesn’t end. It’s one of life’s only constants. Sometimes, this can lead to the realization that one has been running. It can happen again and again, until all false layers are peeled away. Then, there is nothing left to run from, and what remains is the most raw, pure self. A self of change, of flow, a self that is centered perfectly within the journey. Assumptions about the nature of oneself can be a bit off. They can even be dead-wrong.
The void, that separation felt between oneself and true fulfillment is always heavy on our minds, because filling it is the sole reason for doing the things we do. It’s always being filled with things that only make it grow bigger. It’s filled with relationships and money and drugs and material possessions and power. It’s filled with temporary happiness or excitement. It’s filled with magic sky people who are given credit for all life.
There can be nothing to successfully fill the void because the void itself is all of reality. Its emptiness is the same as the vast emptiness of the universe. It’s not bad or sad or dark. Quite the opposite. It’s freedom. Upon acceptance of the vast emptiness, it disappears as a void and instead becomes space for creation, opportunity, and life. With no reason left to desperately try to fill it, contentment arises out of contentment. Fulfillment instead grows out of what we already have and who we already are. Its ever-presence is remembered. We contain perfection already, right now, as loving, peaceful, present mirrors of light. Some tweaking can always be done for the better, and new passions can and will always will arise, for life is change and growth. But the incessant searching for something outside of oneself to arrive at peace of mind is close to insanity. Peace of mind can only follow peace of mind–it can only come from within us. It is not dependent on anything or anyone outside of ourselves.
Everything is empty. The word empty tends to warrant a few cringes. It’s not a negative thing. It’s simply a lack of foundation. Experience contains only the reality it is given. Meanings for anything is thought based– determined by past experiences and the emotions they produced. There lacks a true good or bad, white or black, up or down. There is a sameness, an emptiness, a nothingness. Each meaning given is different, and often believed to be the only truth by the one giving it meaning. This is an illusion. When the minds quiets and is brought back to center, it’s this nothingness-filled reality that becomes visible to us. We are creators. The false notions peel away. Our own lives are buried underneath our ideas, beliefs and misconceptions. This can sometimes become quite a fog, blurring us from seeing and accepting who we truly are, and what we truly want. These false notions begin to disappear when the mind is calmed and acceptance grows. Illusion disappears and some of our most beloved truths untie and become untrue. In extreme cases, we find that what we disliked or held distaste for might not taste so bad anymore. In fact, it becomes something desired or admired. We are mirrors. Even objects or ideas of great dislike are very strong and real in our minds.
Many different paths are attempted, to see what works, what’s best, what fits. The path is always right here, in front of us. We know where we’ll go,we know what’s best. Sometimes it is denied or forgotten. This can lead to problems. I’ve seen many of these problems in my life as a result of the inability to accept myself for what I am. I’ve spent many years running away from, and even feeling an intense dislike for the very things I desire and feel connected to. Minds act as mirrors.
The biggest rebirth in my life thus far began when my spiritual journey became recognized, nearly a year ago. I didn’t know who I was, and tried to fill that void with relationships or various jobs or hobbies that I attempted to force into being my “passion”, only ending in boredom and a bigger void. Sometimes, there just isn’t going to be one thing. When attempting to care about one thing more than the rest of it, I get stuck. I’m just a bit of it all. I don’t know how to be any other way. I’m everything. The universe, my mind, my friends and family, music, color, animals, writing, creating, crafting, being a mom (someday), helping others dreams, inspiring, meditation, yoga, love, reading, learning, laughing, organizing, creating space, hiking, camping, growing closer to the connection, travel. This, all of it, all parts of my life, is my passion. At last its been found, and its been me all along. The search outside myself can end. The notion that there is something else to find, some magical thing I will connect to that will produce fulfillment and happiness is the very idea that produces the unfulfilled, unhappy feelings. I am me, and ‘me’ is many, many things and always has been. All of these things I feel love for are pure, creative, and absurdly simple. Its taken a long time to arrive at acceptance of this.
What more would I find, and would it ever be enough? The Journey isn’t to find anything; it isn’t to acquire; it isn’t a means to an end. It isn’t the road to treasure, or to happiness. The journey is all–it’s what we’ve got. When we realize the journey and the fog clears, steering becomes much easier.