Zen Girl

Centering into the journey.

Back to the beginning.

I love the sound of quiet, when escaping into nature.  The cars disappear.  Horns aren’t being honked in anger and frustration. There’s no cement, no implanted trees, no advertisements.  There’s no crosswalks, no highways, no busy commutes.  There is simply you, and nature.  It’s no coincidence, I’m sure, that I feel so much more me, so much more real and present when I am surrounded only with what comes naturally on this Earth.  Our home.  I watch birds glide above the trees, listen to a waterfall, watch the flowers blow in the warm breeze.  I breath in the quiet, and it becomes me.

I grew up in a small town of nothing really.  Population: 1200.  No joke.  I was surrounded by forest, rivers and lakes.  Wildlife was a part of my every day life.  My fellow students rode their snowmobiles to school.  School was cancelled on the first day of hunting season.  Different priorities up there, than in the city.  In fact, I went to a big city only once during my entire 18 years of life in that town.  I knew very little of culture, of music, of art.  I knew very little of different races, of different preferences in sexuality, of subcultures.  I knew very little about anything except for alcoholism, nepotism, and lack of any anonymity whatsoever.  I knew of pain and suffering and wanting out. I knew a childhood surrounded by anger.  I had asthma back then, interestingly enough.

So I escaped.  I ran to college as fast as I could, and never looked back. A much bigger place, but still not a real city.  And when college was over, I was free to go even farther. I was free to be in the CITY.  Finally, my life could begin.  First, Seattle for a couple of years.  Most recently, San Diego.  I’ve been living big city life for over 4 years now, which isn’t really that long.

And to my surprise, I feel myself craving the very thing I ran so quickly away from.  Quiet.  Smallness.  Nature.

It shocked me at first.  How could I want to go BACK to something as awful as where I grew up?  But it makes so much sense.  Because it’s where I grew up. It’s not that I want to live in a town similar to the one I grew up in; a breeding ground of alcoholism and anger. What I crave is that quiet.  That proximity to nature.  The intimacy of a smaller place.

Since dealing with my past, I’ve been realizing that the past always comes back.  All of it. Always.  I crave to be back where I began–as many of us do.  I never thought I would see the day.  I thought, this is it, I am a city girl now.  Who was I fooling?  I’m no city girl.  I’m a small town girl.

I won’t end up in a town quite as small as the one where I started, but I certainly can’t see myself in the city for too many more years.  I can’t live on pavement forever.

Back to the beginning.

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4 thoughts on “Back to the beginning.

  1. I hear you deeply! Welcome back to your return!

  2. This speaks to me a lot! Living in Nebraska, there’s a lot of rural area surrounding the biggish city I live in that I find absolutely beautiful and would like to live in for a while.

  3. Yes, it’s an entirely different world! City life and small town life. Harder and easier in different ways.

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