I forget myself sometimes

but I always get little reminders.  I am always here, I simply choose to forget.  I get lost in the game of where to go, who to pursue, what to do.  I get lost in the meaning of it all.  I get lost in the love and the hate. I get lost in the ‘getting to’.  I forget about the here, the journey.  My creativity falls away.  Sponteneous creation, authentic here-ness.  It feels too far away to grasp.  I am lost in the questions, the problems, the options, heavy loads of possible solutions to each equation.  Many forks in the road.  A heavy burden, my whole life.

 

But even during these times, I feel a lot.  So much.  From the soothing rhythm of a song.  The beauty of a magnificent flower in the middle of the bustling city.  The way the sky looks.  The sound of a birds wings. The escape into wilderness.  The beauty of a persons energy.  The massage of a stream of water. The complexity of an unspoken dynamic.  The endless connections of cause an effect, the infinite creation, and the nothingness, the emptiness that all things share.  I am forever changed.  And even when I forget myself, my ability to create,  like much of these past few months, I am always still here.  My self, the self I have become, who deep down embraces becoming, now has the gift of being reminded every day how beautiful life is.

I’m still here.

Zen Mornings 12/2/11

 

Yesterday I learned that nothing is scary if we do what scares us.  Only the unknown is scary, but once the unknown becomes the known, there is absolutely nothing left to fear. I’ve always  hated talking on the phone–immensely–to the point of being fearful of it.  I found it to be the most awkward form of communication (and still do).